Portal Derailment
by Snowthistle
Summary: A series of chapters depicting what you should not include in your Portal fanfic unless it is for fun. Includes various no nos like bad grammar, loads of OOC, Mary Sues, a page full of simple sentences, or a page full of exquisite, descriptive writing that takes up most of the page. This is not a serious fanfic and has no specific story plot and merely pokes fun at bad fanfics.
1. Character Derailment

**Hello everyone I am taking a break from my other Portal 2 fanfic I'm writing, and I decided to begin this silly collection of chapters in which bad fanfic writing techiniques are used. The chapters are badly written on purpose, so there's no need to correct my grammar and spelling (Unless you really want to).**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Portal in any way. Portal and its characters belong to Valve.**

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Chapter 1: The Test in Which We Use Character Derailment

Her footsteps were swift across the dark metal panels which made up the floor of the test chamber. She leaped onto the Aerial Faith Plate and was launched into the air, and she gracefully landed onto a platform. Her pale blue eyes carefully analyzed the room in order to figure out her next move.

"You're taking a very long time in solving this test you know," the seductive, robotic cadence of GLaDOS rang through the test chamber," It's probably because you're so fat that you can't move too fast or you'll get winded from waddling around like a pregnant goose for so long."

Chell ignored the malevolent AI's insults as usual and shot a portal on one surface and another on the ground far below her. She jumped off the platform and went sailing through the portal and into the air.

"Ah yes, you look very lovely. You look as lovely as a flying tortoise. I called you a flying tortoise because they are large and very heavy and very slow. I just thought you would need me to clarify that for your simple-minded, human brain," she taunted.

Chell ignored her once again and continued working through the chamber silently. She stayed silent because it would be better to use all of her energy on test solving rather than trying to fire retorts at the sarcastic AI. She knew she was not fat or slow and that she was not brain damaged. If she had been brain damaged in some sort of way, then she would be incapable of doing certain things or even thinking straight.

"Look at yourself, Chell, your primitive little human brain is just no match for my superior robotic mind," her voice purred with false sympathy," You'll never be pretty you know. No one will ever love you. Even that little blue moron secretly hates you. It's probably because you're so fat, Chell. Maybe if you exercised a little more you'd be more fit, and you wouldn't waddle through my lovely test chambers. Oh you poor pitiful thing. You're so tiny, feeble, helpless, worthless, and not useful for anything. I don't quite understand why you even try to continue through my highly advanced test chambers."

Chell looked up at a security camera in the test chamber. She noticed GLaDOS's insults were getting more childish as the AI prattled on.

"You're round like a bowling ball, Chell. Your squishy, little human face disgusts me to the highest degree. I don't understand why anyone would call _you _pretty because you're not. You're a simpleton just like that moron who doesn't even like you. Not even your incinerated Weighted Companion Cube loves you. You petty little test subject, you're nothing more than a mere pawn in my game of chess. You don't even know what chess is do you? You probably don't even know what the game checkers is. That's how stupid you are, Chell. Oh you pitiful, pitiful human. If I were human my beauty would surpass your ugliness. I'd be slim but curvy and have an ample bosom. I'd be strikingly gorgeous compared to your disgusting mess of a body," GLaDOS informed her with more childish than biting remarks.

Something finally snapped in Chell's brain, however, as she was tired of the AI's babyish insults. She decided to give the malevolent AI a piece of her highly capable human mind.

Chell threw down the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device onto the dark, metal floor and looked the security camera square in the lens," You know what, missy? You're a childish brat. Did you know that? I think not since you're so full of yourself and you're busy firing childish insults at me. I mean come _on_. I've heard you come up with better gibes than your currently pointless quips at me! Quit acting like a baby and calling me fat! You probably weigh _tons_ and _you _are calling _me _fat?"

Chell stomped her white-booted foot on the ground and glared equally childishly at the camera in front of her.

"Hah! Look at you! You're stomping your foot on the ground like a five-year-old who isn't getting what she wants! Who's acting childish now, Chell?" GLaDOS asked her in an immature tone.

Chell rolled her eyes and groaned," Ugh you're ruining my life! I've had enough of you and your fat, self-centered hunk of metal!"

"Chell is a fat, immature baby! She's so ugly! She's so stupid! She's too slow!" GLaDOS continued in a sing-song voice.

Chell stuck her tongue out at the camera," Blegh! I hate you! I hate you so much! What's your problem? You're just jealous because _I _have _limbs _and _you _don't!"

"I don't care about your silly little limbs you little monkey!"  
"You only insult me to make yourself feel better because you know how much heavier you are than me!"

"I do not!"

"You do too!"

"Stop lying to me tiny human!"

"You're the lying liar who lies to me all the time!"

"You're just jealous because I have turrets who can sing and you don't!"

Chell growled and picked up a turret in the test chamber," Hah! Watch what happens when I destroy your beloved singing turret!"

She promptly threw it down into some acid water below and the poor turret disintegrated with a final "I don't hate you".

GLaDOS let out a robotic scream," Noooo! Not my precious little turret! You're such a big meanie head, Chell!"

"Too bad so sad, loser!"

"Don't call me names!"

"Oh, like you haven't called _me _names!"

"I'm more awesome than you are because I'm a massive AI with an infinite capacity for knowledge!"

Thus, the angry test subject and the childish AI continued to argue on and on until both were too tired to argue and needed to rest.

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Chapter lengths willl vary in length, but they won't bee so short that it's like a few lines long. If you can't handle reading this then you may want to pull up a well-written fanfiction in a another tab and read a bit of that after each chapter,paragraph, or sentence in this "fanfic". Try not to cry or rage when reading the "chapters".


	2. Mary Sue

**I'm back with another chapter! This chapter shows what happens when a Mary Sue invades a fictional universe.**

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Chapter 2: The Test in Which Chell Meets a Mary Sue

Chell walked through one hallway of the facility with the ASHPD in her hands. It was quiet, and the hallway was very long. It was an old hallway with a dingy, dusty carpet and old, cracked walls. She yawned as she passed several old paintings and photos hanging on the wall. There were creaking sounds heard with each step she took down the dilapidated hallway. Chell stopped in her tracks as she heard light footsteps quickly advancing towards her. The quick footsteps belonged to the body of a girl much shorter than Chell. Chell took a step back and blinked in surprise at the young girl.

"Oh it's you! You're Chell aren't you?" she asked upon seeing Chell.

Chell nodded," Yes, I am Chell. Who are you?"

"Oh my name is Mirabelle Charlotte Diana Ophelia Yuki Daffodil Serenity Rosengarten, but you can call me Elle," she smiled.

Chell stared at her awkwardly," Um, alright then, Elle. Anyways what are you doing here in the facility?"

"Well it all happened on "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day," Elle began.

Chell cringed at her own terrible memories regarding "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day".

"My parents were busy working as scientists under my Uncle Cave Johnson."

"Wait, your uncle was Mr. Cave Johnson?"

"Yes, but he was dead before that day. Anyways, GLaDOS was turned on, but she flooded the entire facility with deadly neurotoxin. I was the very first person to get out, but everyone else was trapped inside. I could hear screams and panic, and I wanted to get back in there to help everyone! I waited for the opening where I stood to open again and, I ran inside to see who I could possibly save from certain death. There was no one I could save though since those who were alive were perfectly fine, and a few who were almost dead wouldn't be able to make it in the first place. It was such a tragedy! Then I found Mr. Rattman and he trained me to become an awesome test subject! I was able to turn off GLaDOS quickly without damaging or breaking anything! He told me there was another test subject whom he believed was able to do the exact same thing, and that test subject was you! You did create a huge mess of things when you took her down though."

"W-Well I had to-"

"Oh and get this! While you were doing your training to become a well-rounded test subject I was turned into a personality core! I became the Beautiful Core! My specific functions are to look beautiful, make beautiful things, and make others beautiful but not as beautiful as me. I was able to become human again of my own accord, and I can switch from human to core and back at will. Oh did you know that all of the male cores like me? Wheatley is a childhood friend of mine, I had a crush on Space, Fact is really hot too, Rick is always hitting on women of course, Anger and I dated once, and Logic was my boyfriend."

"How old were you when you were at "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day?" Chell asked incredulously.

"I was nineteen at that time," Elle replied.

Chell's eyes widened in shock," You look like you're thirteen!"

"Aww you're so nice!" Elle brightened up.

Chell was right about Elle looking very young. Elle was around four foot nine inches, and she had baby face features. Her eyes were the prettiest light blue-purple blend and freckles gracefully speckled her fair skin. Dark, ebony hair graced her hair and would reach the floor if it were let out of its elegant braid that went straight down the center of her back. Elle's cheeks were naturally light pink and her teeth were perfect shining pearls in her sweet little mouth. Her feet were a dainty size 5 and her chest was a voluptuous size D. Her body had curves in just the right places where it should be appropriately curved and her body proportions were perfect on her tiny body as well. Her Aperture testing outfit consisted of a blue jumpsuit, a dark purple sleeveless shirt, a small white vest, and long fall boots like Chell. She certainly earned the name of Beautiful Core, but Chell grew envious of her beauty.

Elle smiled politely," You're so beautiful, Chell."

Chell blushed with embarrassment at the compliment. She knew she wasn't ugly or fat like GLaDOS claimed her to be. She just thought GLaDOS's insult were her own twisted way of "encouraging" test subjects to move through the chamber. However, Chell was beginning to feel self-conscious about her looks as she continued to look at the girl standing in front of her. Elle was older than Chell, but her height and facial structure hid her true age with the façade of a thirteen year old girl with a large bust. Elle gently took Chell's hand, and Chell felt soft child like skin when Elle's hand came in contact with hers. Elle led Chell down the hallway and through the facility.

Soon they arrived at GLaDOS's central chamber where the massive AI hung from the ceiling. Chell stood in front of Elle with instinctive protectiveness and her portal gun at the ready. Elle gently lowered her arm and stood next to Chell. Chell looked down at her in confusion, and Elle smiled politely back at her.

"What are you doing? She'll kill us if we let our guard down," Chell whispered.

"No, she won't, Chell! I've made friends with GLaDOS, so she won't hurt us again," Elle replied cheerfully.

Chell felt herself shrink with jealousy at Elle's innocent, mature voice which rang delicately like a silver bell. Elle walked over to GLaDOS and hugged her white, rounded, rectangular head. Chell waited to see what the giant AI would do next, but GLaDOS merely closed her optic calmly like a mother beast warming up to its child. The panels on the wall emitted a warm and calming glow through the entire room. Chell looked around cautiously to make sure GLaDOS was not up to any tricks. Perhaps it wouldn't be too bad for her to let her guard down for a few moments she decided.

GLaDOS's yellow optic opened and she looked at Elle," How is my absolute favorite test subject doing today?"

"I am doing well, GLaDOS," Elle replied.

"How is my second favorite test subject doing?" GLaDOS looked up at Chell.

Chell looked slightly confused for a few moments then looked at the floor," I'm doing well I suppose."

"That's wonderful."

_You've never called me favorite or anything like that before. What are you planning GLaDOS? _Chell thought to herself. _Wait, second favorite? I understand that I took you down more brutally than Elle ever did, but you gave me no choice. Why is she your favorite test subject? Hold on why am I even asking myself this? I shouldn't be jealous of being that AI's test subject after all the horrible things she's done to me. Yet, why do I feel so jealous of her right now? I should be GLaDOS's favorite test subject. I suppose I really am not as pretty or as thin as Elle._

Chell examined her body carefully and tried to comprehend what about her made her not as attractive as Elle. GLaDOS was calmly talking to Elle, and Elle happily conversed with her. Chell sighed and walked over to the AI. Maybe Elle was just better than her, and Chell was the fat, orphaned test subject who was second best.

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Remember not to make Mary Sues people or Chell will be sad, jealous, and self-conscious!


	3. Beige Prose

**I am up with chapter 3 now. This chapter is shorter than the other tow because writing Beige Prose gets really boring.**

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Chapter 3: The Test in Which You Discover Beige Prose

The facility was big. Cave was working at his desk in his office. Caroline opened the door and walked in. Cave looked up and smiled. Caroline walked over to him and looked over his shoulder. Cave was busy with important documents. Caroline placed her hands on his shoulders. Cave smiled and continued working on his documents. The phone rang. Caroline answered the phone for Cave. Cave wrote on his documents and Caroline talked on the phone. Caroline nodded and hung up the phone. Cave did not look up from his documents.

"Who was that, Caroline?" He asked.

"It wasn't anyone important, Cave. Our order of wires will be coming in shortly," she replied.

Caved nodded," Did you need anything?"

Caroline shook her head no," No, sir."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir, I will leave now."

Cave nodded and Caroline left the room. Caroline walked down the hallway and turned left. She continued walking down the next hallway. She decided to check on the scientists who were monitoring the test subjects. The scientists stood in front of the glass windows. They were monitoring the test subjects. The test subjects were completing tests in the test chambers. There were many test subjects completing the tests. Caroline talked with the scientists. She also checked on their work. The scientists were doing well with their work. Caroline was quite pleased with them. Their work and monitoring of the test subjects made a great contribution to science. Cave would be pleased when she told him about the progress. Good progress made a good company which in turn made a happy CEO.

Caroline bumped into Doug in the hallway. Doug smiled and Caroline smiled back at him. Doug followed Caroline around the facility. He showed her the progress on other experiments going on in the facility. This pleased Caroline as well. Doug was excited at her happiness. They continued to walk around the facility. They were good co-workers and friends. Both were friends with Cave Johnson as well. It was nice to be able to talk to each other at work. They had tons of other co-workers who were very nice too. They got along with most of their co-workers very well.

Thus, ends the page of Beige Prose. Beige Prose is writing papers in very simple sentences. Beige Prose can be very boring. It is better to have an equal amount of simple and compound sentences. Beige Prose is not fun to write. Beige Prose requires a lot of simple sentences. You can barely fill up a page fast enough. People do not like to read Beige Prose.

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O_O Again, writing Beige Prose is really boring so don't do it, or people will not be able to enjoy the story because of all the small simple sentences. There is another type of writing you should also avoid which is Purple Prose. It is more elaborate than Beige Prose, but it is elaborate to the extremes.


	4. Purple Prose

**The chapter ended up being short because I could not find any other part of the Morality Core to describe. I probably should have chosen one of the corrupted cores or GLaDOS to describe instead since they can be described more. I'd rather not have to re-write the whole entire thing, but I'm sure you'll get the gist of it by the end. XD this didn't even make it past one page in Word Documents.**

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Chapter 4: The Test in Which I Write Purple Prose

She was the first core to be perfectly constructed by scientists and be of exceptional aid to their troubles with the massive, vengeful AI. She would be utilized to bar any and all murderous attempts upon the facility, for she would help the scientists and all employees in the facility by assisting GLaDOS with discerning right actions from wrong actions. She was very quiet and did not speak often to anyone, but when she did she was very polite and had manners. The Morality Core was finally complete after many laborious hours of tweaking, perfecting, and programming. The interior of the Morality Core looked so intricate and elaborate. Each silvery, metal gear was placed perfectly and precisely inside her core body and the wires were expertly bunched together in little bundles. Each needle-thin and delicately designed component fit flawlessly in each place as they should. This core was so flawlessly created, and the employees of Aperture Science Laboratories hoped that the Morality Core would execute her meticulous functions as she was created for.

The outside of her spherical body was a pristine, smooth white shell which curved precisely without any minor dings or flaws. A single ash gray dot was on each side of the front of her pristine white shell. Both dots were symmetrically aligned across from each other and had an equal distance between them. Down the center of the core body was the dark indentation which represented the two halves which consisted of the shell of the core body. Four metal ends stuck out of the dorsal and ventral ends on the anterior side of the body. These metal ends were carefully attached to slender metal handles which had rubber holds in the center for gripping the core. The Morality core's optic consisted of as much detail as the interior of her core body. Her optic was a perfect blend of violet, Byzantium, and plum to create a pleasing shade which was the color of the iris part of her iris. Her pupil was a darker and more saturated shade of the violet blend.

She would be the first Personality Construct to ever be attached to the rampant GLaDOS, and she would be able to perfectly modify the belligerent AI's behavior. This wonderfully, accurately programmed core would be able to correct the impurities and convulsive behavior possessed by the destructive Artificial Intelligence created by Aperture Science Laboratories. The Personality Construct with the violet optic and a flawless sphere body would be the perfect solution to taming the metallic, electronic beastess bent on revenge upon the scientists in the facility.

Thus concludes the long, flowery, descriptive writing of Violet Scribing- I mean Purple Prose.

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Purple Prose is basically really long and flowery descriptive writing. This is actually a mild version of Purple Prose, but I am sure if you look long enough in other fanfictions you'll find it. It is good use lots of description and adjectives not normally used in books,fanfics, normal conversations, but you shouldn't go to oveboard with the description of one object or have walls of text dedicated to describing every single object in a room.


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